Moonchild

I just spent a few days in Manila, visiting my sister.  On her birthday, she planned a karaoke session with some of her friends from Tanghalang Pilipino.  I don’t really enjoy karaoke .. since I cannot for the life of me sing in tune but I went with her anyway.  I mean, it WAS her birthday.

Anyway, the karaoke place was just a tiny room with a huge jukebox / karaoke machine.  In Bisaya, kanang sinko-sinko lang na machine ba! J  They had a sign inside that small room which I found really amusing.  It read (in Tagalog):

HINDI PO ITO DINING AREA. PUWEDENG

KUMAIN AT UMINOM DITO KUNG

GAGAMIT NG VIDEOKE.

BAWL MAGHINTAY O MAG ISTAMBAY

DITO AT GUMAMIT NG AIRCON KUNG

HINDI KAYO MAG VIDEOKE.

P5.00 A SONG (NO REFUND) ANG

CHARGE NAMIN KAYA LUGI KAMI KUNG

MAGPAPAHINGA LANG KAYO DITO.

SALAMAT PO.

Hahaha! That’s what you call a concise sign. ;)

Again I ask ... when is enough, ENOUGH?!

I don't know how much i can take this any longer.  I used to think I was lucky... that I had this really sweet guy to love.  But things aren't that simple.  Shit, to say that "it's complicated" even seems an understatement!

I am definitely NOT looking forward to any hate texts.  And most definitely NOT looking forward to more complications.  Why can i not just drop it and move on? Or more to the point, why can't I just drip him? I don't know.  I can't answer that.  Or maybe I just refuse to answer.

How can I trust someone who has been lying to me from the start? He says that he's ended things.  He says that it's me he's chosen... it's me he loves.  So why is she still harassing me?! Why all the harsh and hurtful words? He says he can't leave coz of the kids.  SHE won't leave for that same reason.  So what do i do now? What's the point if they both won't leave?! They might as well be married right?!

He says he understands me... why i feel this way.  But that I have to understand his situation too.  The thing is, i'm soooo tired of ALWAYS having to understand! I mean... if we end up together... married .. will I STILL have to put up with her?! Of course... she's the mother of the kids.  I have no choice.  Unless I choose NOT to end up with him.  So why can't I?

I don't understand why he allows her to do this to me.  That's what hurts.  That he allows her to hurt me... to bitch about me... to constantly put me on edge.. wondering when I'll next receive another hate text.

The latest message I received from her was a text message intended for him.  She sent it to me.  When I sent it to him, he acted like he didn't know what it meant.  Does that mean that she never sent it to him? She sent it to me specifically just coz she wanted to hurt me? Possible.  It's not beneath her to do that.  But everytime this happens, it just increases my doubts.  He tries to convince me that all she says is lies... but how can I believe him when he LIED to me in the first place?! He cannot reassure me.  He cannot get me to trust in him 100% while SHE'S STILL LIVING WITH HIM. He cannot expect me to do that.  I cannot accept it.  I wont accept it.

I'm going to take a break... from him. From us.  I think that's the best thing to do now.  Take a break and really think about things... about where this is going, where its going to end.  I cannot think clearly with him around.  Yes, i think I should take a break.  Maybe that way he'll realize too if i'm really worth it.

I'm 29.  I can't wait forever. I want a family. I want to get married, have children.  I cannot expect that from him now.  I don't know if I ever will.  So i'll take a break and think. 

I think that's the best thing to do right now... even if it hurts.

I just realized something.  I got a lot of ex's in town....

First, F - an ex-fling.  Then J - an ex suitor.  Then E - an ex potential BF.  Hmm... i wonder who will come next? :)  Its an invasion!! hehehehe

My reactions?  With F --- a pounding heart... and a flood of memories. It was like i wanted to see him... but i didn't want to see him! And when i did see him, i ran away! It was soo funny! :)

With J -- happiness at his marriage. I had so much fun at his wedding! one of the best weding receptions i've ever been to!

With E -- curiosity.  Just wondering if he's changed all these years.  But i didn't really feel the need to see him.  more like he's here.. ok.

Haha! An invasion... can't wait to see who comes next. ;)

Sometimes we agree to things that we don’t want to agree on just to keep the peace.

Sometimes we react in ways that’s expected of us and not because it is what we want.

Sometimes we ignore that nagging voice in our heads. . . telling us that it’s wrong

Sometimes we ignore what’s in our hearts because we think it’s not right… it can’t be right.

Sometimes we do things that our hearts & minds tell us is just not right anymore… but we still go ahead and do it so the other would feel better.

I wonder when the sometimes would be enough times.  And we finally admit that whatever was there is gone now.

Or maybe muted… or shadowed … or maybe it really is gone…

Have you ever felt that the “love” or “affection” you feel for someone is just a vague reflection of what was once a starburst of feeling?

I read somewhere once that sometimes love just runs out… that when love ends, it doesn’t necessarily mean that what you had was fake.  Doesn’t mean that the love you felt at the beginning wasn’t true and soulfully felt.  It just means that love has faded…. But the affection remains. Right?.... right.

Nothing is right anymore.  Everything he does irritates me.  Mostly  I don’t feel anything at all.  Which is even scarier. When you don’t care anymore…when you are void of all emotion… that is bad.

I dunno what to do about my lack of emotion.  I mean, I “know” what to do.. the rational thing to do… but somehow… I still keep making excuses.  Why? Does some hidden, deep part of me know better? I wish I could undergo hypnosis.  And have it recorded.  I want to know how my inner “me” is feeling… what its thinking.

What do you do when you can’t trust yourself? I’m a mess.

By: Kelly Clarkson

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can say, oh

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today
Hey

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away

If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk away
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away

By this time my baby Liam would've been bron already...

He would've been the handsomest, cutest, sweetest baby in the nursery... for sure.

The first time i would lay my eyes on him would've been the bestest moment in my life.  This sweet little angel... all pink and cuddly... would've been mine.  Really and truly mine.

I planned to spend the first minutes with my baby alone.  Absolutely no one else in the room with me.  I would've told him that he was my dream... the one person i had been waiting for all my life..."pinakahihintay" ... "pinakamamahal"... the denoument of all my life's hopes.  I know i would've cried.  I'm sure i would've.  I'd smell him... savor his clean newborn scent.  I'd count his little fingers and toes... i'd pinch his little nose. I'd kiss his tummy and hold him close.  My little angel...

I know that everyone would've laughed at me... seeing me so emotional over my tiny baby.  But they would understand.  They would know that this little precious gift is all i've ever really wanted in life.

When it would be time to go home.. i know i would've made sure to check in on him always.  Never leave his side as much as possible.  And everytime i'd look at him... everytime i'de cradle him... i know i would've burst out crying again.  Oh how i love my little baby!! My love for him overwhelms me... brings me to tears all the time.

I know i would've been happy.  I know I would've been contented.  I know i would've been satisfied just having him.  I don't care if it would just be me and him.  I would'nt have minded.  Just me and baby... that would be all that mattered.

I wish I had my baby Liam.  I wish he were here with me now.  All the birthing pains i would've gone through would not have dulled my joy in my baby at any way. I wish i could've experienced that.

I miss Liam.  I never really had him... but I miss him sooooooo much. 

I love you baby....

1)  Drink a lot of calamnsi (lemon) juice to make your baby's hair thick.

2)  Drink a lot of soup to produce a lot of breast milk.

3)  If you crave something, get it right away.  You risk losing your baby if you don't.

4) Squash is good for you.

5)  Wear a black slip or something like it when you sleep so the monster who eats babies can't get to .

6) Put garlic around the home... also so the monster who eats babies can't get to you

7) Do not cut your hair when you are prgenant

8) Do not "indian sit" or keep opening your legs, your baby's head will grow big.

9) Do not eat from a pregnant woman's food or leftovers, it will make you sleepy.

10) Do not cross over / step over your husband, if you do, he will be the one to experience morning sickness and cravings.  (hmm... i don't mind that. hehehe)

11) Do not sleep near a window, so the monsters who eat babies can't get you.

Ummm... can't think of anything else as of now.  Feel free to add to this list. Hehe.

Some people are just so insensitive. Was at Vudu last Thursday for Uklily's gig and Andre was there too.  He approaches me and Lloyd at the bar and sez hi. He seemed kind drunk already... you know when his eyes just seem spaced out and he sways while talking.  Anyway, he points to my tummy and sez.. "Nigawas na?" and laughs as if its the funniest thing. I don't know what to say... i'm speechless. I just say... "Wa madayon." And guess what he did... HE LAUGHS AGAIN!!! He's like, really tickled that i lost my baby!!! I can't believe it...

I grip lloyd's leg tightly. I know he wants to punch out this guys face. I'd love to do it too. Finally, he leaves. Thank God.  I turn to Lloyd... we hug. Some people are just so damn insensitive. They should just keep their mouths shut.

Grrr....

I Try

Macy Gray

Games, changes, and fears

When will they go from here?

When will they stop?

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together, babe

But we’re not

I play it off but I’m dreaming of you

And I’ll keep my cool, but I’m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free

But I’m just a prisoner of your love

And I may seem all right and smile when you leave

But my smiles are just a front

Just a front, hey

I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you

And I’ll keep my cool but I’m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession

May I be your possession?

Boy I need your touch

Your love, kisses and such

With all my might I try

But this I can’t deny

Deny

I play it off but I’m dreaming of you

(But I’m dreaming of you, babe)

And I’ll keep my cool, but I’m feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble (oh)

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near (ahh)

Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear (say it Lord)

My world crumbles when you are not near (Lord, the Lord kisses us)

Goodbye and I choke (I’m choking)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)