Moonchild

Trying to work things out...  A lot has been said, a lot of emotions exposed.  But we're working it out.  Now, more than ever, i really believe that open communication is essential in a relationship.  I wish we had talked about everything we talked about last week, earlier.  But i guess now is the right time.

We were at the Gary V. concert.  WE sang together with the praise songs... and were inspired by the songs lyrics & Gary's words.  I am so glad we went -- together.  I guess everything was meant to happen in its own time. 

Working it out... I just hope he makes true his promise to prove himself... to be better.. to be more open.  It if it doesn't work out after this try... then i guess thats it.  At least we tried.

 

i'm exhausted.

exhausted from crying, from hurting... crying for most of the past two months. A lot has happened.  In just two months. I can't believe that it all came crashing down in such a short span of time.  First, i was pregnant and had to deal with my parents, his mom, everybody else. And just when i thought we could actually do it, i lose my baby. Why? i was just starting to feel good about being pregnant.  Why did it have to hapen? and now... because of all that happened, i decied to let go of the man i love.  I get so frustrated that sometimes i just want to throw my arms up in defeat and ask "WHAT ELSE? IS THERE MORE?! GIVE IT TO ME NOW BEFORE I START FEELING LIKE I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE ALREADY?!?!"

I ask myself, was i such a bad mother that my baby refused to be born? Was it because of everything that was happening? No matter what would have happened, even if me and L didn't work out, I would have loved my baby. I would have done everything to provide a good life for him.  Did my baby perhaps not believe that i could do this? Is that why he left me? He would've been my Liam. Mine and L's. And now.... i'll never have my Liam.

Maybe if things were differnt. If circumstances were different.  Would my baby have lived? I don't know. Sometimes i think that maybe i am being punished by God.  Karma or something... for loving someone like L. Maybe higher beings dictate that i not have a family with him... that he should work on keeping his family together.  Okay, fine.  That's good.  BUT ITS SO UNFAIR!!!! I've always believed that love conquers all.  That love will find a way... but i guess that in reality --- it just doesn't work that way.  I romanticized love so much that now... i just don't know where i stand anymore. I'm lost.

But why my baby?!? I don't understand.  And why do i have to give up on the man i love too? Why?!

I'm just so tired... i wish i didn't have to think... or feel.  I need to go away. . .

So good
When it's good I wanna spend my whole life lovin' you
But I'm tired
And you don't know how close I've come to leaving you
You try my patience
And you race me to the wire
It takes every ounce of my will and desire

 

If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like crazy
If I didn't love you baby
As much as I do
I'd just walk out the door
I couldn't take it anymore
I wouldn't put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you

 

It's hard
But you won't give up 'till you
Push me to the wall
But I know
You're the only one who'll be there for me
When I call (oh yes you will)
I can't help believing
That it's worth it somehow
Cause I've worked too damn hard
To wanna give up now

 

If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like crazy
If I didn't love you baby
As much as I do
I'd just walk out the door
I couldn't take it anymore
I wouldn't put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
Nah, If I didn't
If I didn't love you like I do

When you love someone
Nothings black or white
When the riptide runs
There's no wrong or right
I'll sail with you but I'll refuse to drown
So don't you take me down, down
Take me down down
Don't you take me down, down, down
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
I'd walk out that door
I don't need it anymore
Need to put up with what you put me through
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you
If I didn't love you like I do o o o
I'd walk out that door
I'm not comin' back no more
No more

don't leave me alone with my thoughts
it tortures me so
in the stillness and silence
i writhe with sorrow

don't leave me alone with my thoughts
its darkness stifles me

I'm lost.

Everyday was for the baby.  Everything was for the baby.  And now the baby is gone....

Sometimes i still hold my tummy protectively.. then i realize my baby isn't there anymore....

i wonder what i did wromg.

i wonder what it means... does it mean that i'm not meant to be with L?  Or does it mean... next time nalang.

a lot of "if only's" are running through my head... should i have done things differently? would it have made my baby live?

i dunno.... and i hate not knowing.

My baby is aound 9 weeks old now.  That's 2 months and a week now.  L went with me to my doctor for my check up.  I'm happy he was there :) The doc weighed me in.  I again 1 kilo in 1 month!! Hmm... is that okay? 

I got a bit worried though when she tried to check for my babys heartbeat and she couldn't hear it. Although she wasn't that worried about it.  She said that sometimes its hard to hear the baby's heartbeat at just 2 months without an ultrasound. I'm just worried... :(

I cried as we left the hospital  L laughed at me, saying i shouldn't worry too much.  That it was going to be okay. I hope so.  I'm just such a cry baby sometimes.  Especially these days.

I always thought that when i get pregnant, everyone would be happy.  Everyone would be excited. But that's not the case.  And its really sad...

Wish things were different...

But i don't regret getting pregnant.  I am happy. I am excited. And maybe it'll rub off on everyone...

its hard to hide somwthing you're really excited about.  And its hard to always, always listen to doomsday sayings and criticisms when all i really want to hear are happy things...

My cousin Lucinne is getting married today.  At this very moment actually.

Good for her.

I guess she found the right man, and took the leap of faith to marry him.

Confusion

 

Whirls around me

Like a dark tornado

Full of debris

Striking me at all sides

Bruising my body,

My spirit.

His song for me ...

I can always hold on to this ... and just keep the faith that "heaven isn't too far away"...

Heaven – Warrant

 

Got a picture of your house

And you're standing by the door
It's black and white and faded
And it's looking pretty worn

See the factory that I worked
Silhouetted in the back
The memories are gray
but man they're really coming back

I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as I'm the hero of this little girl

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say...

How I love the way you move
And the sparkle in your eyes
There's a color deep inside me
Like a blue surburban sky

When I come home late at night
And you're in bed asleep
I wrap my arms around you
So I can feel you breathe

I don't need to be a superman
As long as you will always be my biggest fan

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day
No matter what your friends might say
We'll find a way


Now the lights are going out
Along the boulevard
The memories come rushing back
and it makes it pretty hard

I've got nowhere left to go
And no one really cares
I don't know what to do
But I'm never giving up on you

Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it every day (ah-ah)
No matter what your friends say
I know we're gonna find a way


Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh
Heaven
whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh